Imago
Written: 4/4/2024
Published: 4/4/2024
Mood: Stable
Listening to: Yoko Shimomura - Organization XIII
Playing: Minecraft AND Palia
Current Temperature: 70F/21C
This entry is sort of a follow up to my last entry. I fully admit it didn't make any sense whatsoever, as I was fully in the process of adjusting to new medication. As a result, I was disjointed and foggy. The words I was trying to say could barely form in my mind, and trying to get those barely-formed ideas out onto a screen was a major struggle. It felt like being lost in perpetual fog, and it was very isolating, after all, how was I supposed to reach out to others when I was incapable of doing so? That's when I began to flail mentally, and that's how my one blog post in March happened. Looking back at it, the primordial sludge metaphor I used was quite apt, if not poorly executed.
Let's talk about the present now. While I can't necessarily say I feel better, I certainly feel more stable and well balanced. The fog has lifted and I am able to think and communicate clearly once again. I do feel different, however. Before I started working on this, I was in a lot of emotional turmoil. While I was able to experience some of my highest highs emotionally, I also experienced my lowest lows, going back far enough in my status cafe page will show just how much I was really going through it. Now I don't feel much of anything.
I knew this was always going to be the end result, but what surprises me is how much I don't really care about how numb I am. A few years ago, I probably would have lamented the fact that I could no longer feel potent elation of any kind. While I admit I had given it some thought, the fact of the matter is I don't think it matters that I can no longer feel potent elation if it also means I can no longer feel potent despair. Honestly, I'm a little more frustrated with the fact that this mental episode has cost me a few weeks of art practice. Now I feel like I've lost all the skills I've worked so hard to cultivate. Getting back into the swing of things is very difficult, and I'm not sure I currently have the fortitude to pursue regaining my skills at this time, as I am still adjusting to things.
I do wonder if my friends have noticed a changed in my demeanor. I certainly have. Looking back on my past interactions, I was very intense. Now I feel like there isn't much of that person that I was left. Despite their flaws, people seemed to like the person that I was. I can only hope that despite the changes, they still want to keep me around. I have been left behind in the past when I was no longer entertaining, and it really did a number on my self worth. Imagine thinking your only value is what you can offer to others, and thinking that for years? That's going to be awful for anyone's self image. I'm working on it, it's hard, but I'm working on it.
I would hope that if anyone noticed anything, they'd tell me about it though.
Quote of the Day: "If you feel everything intensely, ultimately, you feel nothing at all." - Elizabeth Wurtzel