Continued Frustration
Written: 2/12/2024 - 2/13/2024
Published: 2/13/2024
Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: Hikaru Utada - Sanctuary (Opening)
Playing: Nothing Right Now.
Current Temperature: 61F/16.1C
I'm so frustrated with myself lately. I feel like I keep falling into the same kind of patterns that aren't really helping me. Full disclosure: I actually wrote most of this on my phone last night after having a combination epiphany and meltdown (in that order), so if things seem disjointed or even maybe a little deranged, please keep in mind that I'm still trying to process some of the thoughts that are still going through my head in a reasonable manner.
I've been thinking about all the projects I've been juggling. You know, all the art, writing, videos and other stuff I do, hell, even the website itself is somewhat of a project for me (one that I'm enjoying very much.) Honestly, if anyone saw how much of a mess my notes app was, they'd be like "Damn, you live like this?" I find this extremely ironic given how I just wrote an article about organizing your thoughts a week ago. But I don't think that's the issue here. It's not how the ideas are organized, it's just that I have too many of them.
If I'm being honest, I think I overwhelmed myself with too many pending ideas, and now I think I've hit the breaking point, hence the epiphany...and the resulting meltdown. I hate to say it, but my brain was basically sludge for most of the night afterwards until I had a good conversation with one of my friends just prior to going to bed. It was then that I realized that maybe I'm not actually making things because I enjoy making things, but I'm really only making things because I want to show them to other people. Despite all my high-brow internet manifestos and plans to get better, I'm still stuck mentally in the validation hamster wheel.
Wasn't the point of this website to have fun? I don't know why I'm so concerned with filling its pages with stuff I've created, the only reason I can think of is to share it and get validation? and if that's the case WHY am I seeking validation on a website that I purposefully built to have limited avenues to get feedback? There's no likes to chase, followers to herd, or trends to follow here. There's just a guestbook, an e-mail, and that's it. It feels extremely disingenuous for me to create for this site while still maintaining a social media mindset. I do not need a million different projects cooking in the oven to post over the course of the next 6 and a half months in order to maintain a consistent update schedule and keep people interested. They can literally just check in whenever they like and they won't necessarily be out of the loop and I have to keep reminding myself of that.
With that in mind, I think I'm going to dial back on most of my projects, put the majority of them on the shelf except for a few collaborative things that I'm working on and of course, shining up this site myself. That's probably the healthiest way forward for me for now.
Quote of the Day: "Expectation is the mother of all frustration" - Antonio Banderas